Alone.
At.
Last.
Can I even remember the last time this happened?
Just me?
Me and U2.
Spoke too soon. Never mind.
Door opens.
One, two, three girls.
Oh well, I had that half hour - punctuated only by the whiff of the pungent diaper I found under the couch.
Oh but I love them.
I'll try again later.
Tonight is now Me, U2, and these three. Somehow the math does not end in an evening of contemplation and writing.
To be continued...
Friday, October 14, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
I'm not ready to be a mother...
Newlywed question from day one: so, are you thinking about kids?
I can feel prying, busy-body eyes raking my abdomen for signs of expansion. I'm self-conscious of bloated days for fear it will all be misunderstood. But when I think about the eventuality of motherhood I picture process. It starts with stretch-marks and cravings. Late night wake up calls and messy diapers. Bonked heads and first words.
Perhaps that's why I'm reacting so violently to my first tastes of mother-hood. No process! I skipped right from newly-wed to up-all-night-worried-sick-mother.
Somehow Shane and I became parents and our kid is already 18. And she has a kid. (So I guess we also get diapers and late night crying) Does that make us grandparents?
I'm not sure how anyone does this parenting thing. How do you survive when your girl is out in the world, all night, and you're not sure she's okay?
When did they get big enough to go it alone?
When did I?
Crash course for beginners I guess.
I can feel prying, busy-body eyes raking my abdomen for signs of expansion. I'm self-conscious of bloated days for fear it will all be misunderstood. But when I think about the eventuality of motherhood I picture process. It starts with stretch-marks and cravings. Late night wake up calls and messy diapers. Bonked heads and first words.
Perhaps that's why I'm reacting so violently to my first tastes of mother-hood. No process! I skipped right from newly-wed to up-all-night-worried-sick-mother.
Somehow Shane and I became parents and our kid is already 18. And she has a kid. (So I guess we also get diapers and late night crying) Does that make us grandparents?
I'm not sure how anyone does this parenting thing. How do you survive when your girl is out in the world, all night, and you're not sure she's okay?
When did they get big enough to go it alone?
When did I?
Crash course for beginners I guess.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Summer Drive
The helmet didn't fit.
I cinched the strap so tight I couldn't swallow, but that didn't matter much.
There was a bad, black brute of a motorcycle beneath me, the man of my dreams pinched tightly between my knees and the freshly paved highway rushing swiftly by. A summer drive. Strictly for pleasure.
The distant fear that the loose helmet would be impotent to protect did nothing to dampen the joy of it all...the life in the surging wind and the roaring engine.
Can't swallow? Spit.
Sitting on a bench just off the highway we licked heaping ice-cream cones. $1.50 for a week's ration of sweet strawberry cream that the sun licked faster than me. I let the sticky runoff roll down the cone and pool on the ground.
On the ride home bugs rushed to their deaths against my jeans, my face, between my fingers, the sticky guts surprisingly cool on such a hot day. I smiled up to the sky, warmed by the blazing sun, kissed by the hot wind. I sucked in as much as I could. I'll need this memory when the days get shorter and the wind stops kissing and starts biting.
I cinched the strap so tight I couldn't swallow, but that didn't matter much.
There was a bad, black brute of a motorcycle beneath me, the man of my dreams pinched tightly between my knees and the freshly paved highway rushing swiftly by. A summer drive. Strictly for pleasure.
The distant fear that the loose helmet would be impotent to protect did nothing to dampen the joy of it all...the life in the surging wind and the roaring engine.
Can't swallow? Spit.
Sitting on a bench just off the highway we licked heaping ice-cream cones. $1.50 for a week's ration of sweet strawberry cream that the sun licked faster than me. I let the sticky runoff roll down the cone and pool on the ground.
On the ride home bugs rushed to their deaths against my jeans, my face, between my fingers, the sticky guts surprisingly cool on such a hot day. I smiled up to the sky, warmed by the blazing sun, kissed by the hot wind. I sucked in as much as I could. I'll need this memory when the days get shorter and the wind stops kissing and starts biting.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
test- one- two
ehhem.
Excuse me.
I feel somewhat conspicuous showing up here after all this time. Am I alone again in cyber space?
It feels quiet.
Just me tonight and my laptop. Cheese-bun, check. Ooooh, glass of Cabernet, check. And a wonderful, secret, miracle.
I just couldn't keep it to myself.
The Lord can do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it. That (*snap*) fast. If he wants to. Which after all the waiting and the silence and the sadness, he did. Today he wanted to bring the Kingdom to my little corner of the planet. Because he loves me. And all of us.
So the story goes something like this.
Once upon a time a good man with a messy life died. He had four kids he loved very much with two separate women who did not feel similarly about each other. The kids loved their dad, each other and their respective mothers. Upon his death shit got messy. Some kids felt they were left out. Some kids were trying to do the best they could do and ended up hurting other kids. It was messy. Pretty soon no one was speaking to each other. Somewhere in the mess everyone began to suspect the definition of family had changed.
Until today.
It started out a little jerky, a touch awkward. The sun was still warm and the breeze (with that promise of coming fall) smelled like blooming flowers and warm grass. But my littlest bro and I joined the throngs of teenagers at the mini-golf place close to his house. We played 18 holes (3 of them twice) of mini golf together like siblings who love each other. Which we are. Our other two brothers were no yet able to join us. But they'll come around. When the time is right, when they least expect, God will break their hearts too.
Highlight of the evening:
Me: Okay J, good to see you.
Him: Hey, I thought my name was Fat Tony (smiles)
Me: Oh yeah. I guess I said if I ever stopped calling you that it was because you were getting fat!
Him: You said you'd call me Slim Jim if I got fat.
Me: Oh yeah, well, Fat Tony it is.
Him: Yeah. Ok. See ya.
Riding my bike home tonight I just knew that I had two fathers in heaven smiling down on me.
Thanks for giving me my brother back.
(One down...three to go.)
Excuse me.
I feel somewhat conspicuous showing up here after all this time. Am I alone again in cyber space?
It feels quiet.
Just me tonight and my laptop. Cheese-bun, check. Ooooh, glass of Cabernet, check. And a wonderful, secret, miracle.
I just couldn't keep it to myself.
The Lord can do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it. That (*snap*) fast. If he wants to. Which after all the waiting and the silence and the sadness, he did. Today he wanted to bring the Kingdom to my little corner of the planet. Because he loves me. And all of us.
So the story goes something like this.
Once upon a time a good man with a messy life died. He had four kids he loved very much with two separate women who did not feel similarly about each other. The kids loved their dad, each other and their respective mothers. Upon his death shit got messy. Some kids felt they were left out. Some kids were trying to do the best they could do and ended up hurting other kids. It was messy. Pretty soon no one was speaking to each other. Somewhere in the mess everyone began to suspect the definition of family had changed.
Until today.
It started out a little jerky, a touch awkward. The sun was still warm and the breeze (with that promise of coming fall) smelled like blooming flowers and warm grass. But my littlest bro and I joined the throngs of teenagers at the mini-golf place close to his house. We played 18 holes (3 of them twice) of mini golf together like siblings who love each other. Which we are. Our other two brothers were no yet able to join us. But they'll come around. When the time is right, when they least expect, God will break their hearts too.
Highlight of the evening:
Me: Okay J, good to see you.
Him: Hey, I thought my name was Fat Tony (smiles)
Me: Oh yeah. I guess I said if I ever stopped calling you that it was because you were getting fat!
Him: You said you'd call me Slim Jim if I got fat.
Me: Oh yeah, well, Fat Tony it is.
Him: Yeah. Ok. See ya.
Riding my bike home tonight I just knew that I had two fathers in heaven smiling down on me.
Thanks for giving me my brother back.
(One down...three to go.)
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